Queer/Race

Blog 3: Why am I freaking out?

Posted in Architecture by anj316 on April 8, 2010

The only thing I could think about was if I’d be welcome at temple after I told them. I don’t even go to temple that often. I kept freaking out, not knowing what they would say. I mean, they’re my parents. They have to love and support me, no matter what, right? RIGHT? I still didn’t know what to think or how to act. I thought my “subtle” hints in the last year should have tipped them off, and that they would talk to me about it. But no, they never said anything. They never address anything unless it’s hitting them in the face. And even at that, it takes them a while to pick up on it and digest. Why am I still thinking about temple?! Will the rest of my family accept me? What about my grandparents? Oh god, they’re all so prude with convention. I wonder if I can convince them that this is my convention? Will they buy it, will they understand? No, I don’t even want them to understand, because that would just be ridiculous. I just want them to accept me. I want my family to understand that love is love, and that’s all that matters. That is how they taught me how to live, actually. Live, love, be happy. That’s all they want me to live up to, so they’ll have to be at least kinda okay with it, right?

These were some of the many things that were going through my head, as I was about to come out to my mom. Things that I actually never put into coherent words until now. My parents were pretty accepting. The only thing was, that I was not allowed to tell anyone else in my family. My parents didn’t think anyone else would be able to handle it. This whole thought process basically shows how I was so scared to mess with tradition and culture if I came out to my parents. It went as far as caring about going to temple, which I never thought about before. It was so nerve wracking at the time I was coming out, but now I think I’m stronger for it. The only thing is that I still cant tell the rest of my family, and is still wonder what reactions I may get when the time does come for me to tell them. One thing I do know, though, is that I’m not so scared because I’ll have my parents by my side, with or without their conventions.

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  1. graylielane said, on April 11, 2010 at 1:07 am

    In this post I see all the concerns I have for my brother. While he has not come out yet, I have strong reason to believe that he is gay. Recently, the thought has caused a lot of division in my immediate family and I’m not sure if my overly religious parents will be able to understand if my brother finally does come out. I consider myself to be an accepting person and even I struggle reality. Though I have never been able to explain, to others or myself why I’m having trouble. When others come out I am happy for them because I know it’s an unnecessarily heavy burden to bare. I applaud you for being able to show your true self to your family and hope that one day you’ll be able to share who you are with your entire family.

    As someone in the family position I would say that it’s always much easier to wish things like this away and pretend they do not exist. Though it’s neither healthy or fair to the individual coming out. It’s difficult to deal with though, as I said before I do not understand why.

    I thought I completely accepted and maybe didn’t understand gay people but certainly would never question their legitimacy. That was until it hit close to home with my brother. For some reason it seems “ok” until it’s you and your family. Which isn’t fair. Perhaps, I (and everyone else) have a little more growing up to do.

    I want to say that you’re brave and also that I regret that society has forced you to be brave in this situation. Unfortunately the masquerade of life never ends.


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